An Open Letter to the Salesgirl Checking Her Bangs in a Shop Mirror

Dear Salesgirl,

I understand your concern. It’s true that from one particular angle (chin down, head cocked to the left) your bangs can seem a little jagged. Even–God forbid–lopsided. But this is an illusion. If you stare at them long enough (right, just like that) you’ll soon observe that your bangs are, in fact, remorselessly straight. You have sheared them into precise, parallel strips. Although I understand the desire for perfection, I fear that you have inadvertently misstepped. There is a kind of senseless rectitude at play here that, while pleasing to your intense gaze, ultimately fails you. Surely you’re familiar with the Francis Bacon quote, “There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion.” While this is most often used to console ladies with big noses, it is just as relevant to your perfect black bangs. Their greater appeal will arise from some asymmetry, however slight or dreaded.

Oh, and… I’d like to pay for this now.